Hey, you! Yes – you. The one with the s-mokin’ hot blog. We need to have a word. About the way you write. Yep, you heard OK, *the way YOU write*.
Needless cross header
So, you read an e-book. I get that. I *get* that. We’ve all read that e-book. The one that tells you how to write online. Write online EFFECTIVELY.
It has some great advice. Like writing in short sentences. All the time. So your audience can understand. Because they have the reading age of a four year old.
This is being a clear communicator. It helps get the message across. EFFECTIVELY. Sometimes, you can use really short paragraphs. For effect.
Like this.
ENJOYED THIS POST? HELP FUND THE SITE
My first book - Hardly Paradise: Anti-Postcards From A Grumpy Traveller - features 70 of my favourite travel stories from around the globe. It is out now on Kindle for just £2.99.If you've enjoyed what you've read on this site, then buying the book would be the best way of saying thank you and helping to keep it going.
If you've not got a Kindle or just aren't interested in the book, that's OK. But if you click through on the link below, then buy anything else from Amazon (travel gear, guide books etc), I'll earn a tiny commission. And that would be nice too.
Another needless crossheader
But, woah! It’s not just about sentence length, blog rockstar. It’s about *tone*. It’s sassy. It’s kinda kooky. It’s about being the cool cat you are, gunslinger. It’s literary finger pistols and bunny ear quote marks. It shows that you’re a *real* person. And a darned hip one too!
But your readers are stupid. PRACTICALLY BRAINDEAD. So how do you reach out to them? EASY! By using simple techniques to emphasise your point.
Totally superfluous crossheader
There are LOTS of these techniques. One is using capital letters in RANDOM words. People LOVE being SHOUTED at!
And don’t forget the exclamation marks! Each one makes your *ripsnorting* joke even funnier! Yes – EVEN FUNNIER!
Don’t forget to repeat your key points. Repeating your key points works. So repeat your key points. Repeat your key points.
The crossheader equivalent of a celebrity cameo in the Simpsons
What’s really great? You wanna know what’s really great? Italics. They turn your amazing words into awesome words. Awesome!
Put things in bold, too. Frequently. It shows people what words are important. And when ALL your words are *important*, it shows which ones are uber-important.
Crossheadercrossheadercrossheader
Doing this WORKS. It makes things *easy to read*. It makes your words stand out. That’s the theory, right. Huh, sharpshooter?! 
Especially if you put *some* words between asterisks. Or make one sentence into many. By. Putting. Full. Stops. Between. All. The. Words.
Unfortunately, though, all of this just has one effect. *It* makes WHAT you write completely UNREADABLE. And. YOU. Look. *Like*. A!. COMPLETE.
*Bellend*.
Popular searches
All content copyright David Whitley. My recommended books, travel gear and music
LOL.
GREAT post Dave, and by using Dave, it gives me a bit of authority because I can pretend we’re familiar or close.
Now I make the point of re-directing people from your FANTASTIC post to mine by throwing shade* and saying I’ve covered this issue before in *my* own special blog here: (insert obnoxious linkbait here) but that I approve of your point.
Then I try to add a witty comment while adding absolutely no value but making myself feel smug.
I enjoyed that. Unfortunately I thought the enormous text ordering me to share it was a part of the same joke.
@iain. Ah yes, that enormous text… I installed it earlier in the week when the previous widget went nuts. No-one idea how to get the text smaller and I’ve not had more than ten minutes at the computer online to look into an alternative…
@iain. Ah yes, that enormous text… I installed it earlier in the week when the previous widget went nuts. No-one idea how to get the text smaller and I’ve not had more than ten minutes at the computer online to look into an alternative…
Same for Tweet an Like buttons that are stuck over the text rather than in the sidebar when using Chrome on a Mac.
I always read everything I write out loud. If it sounds right it usually is – and PD James agrees with me. If you have to ask who PD James is, stick to your italics, asterisks and upper case letters (capitals, if u.c. means nothing to you) because you will most likely never write anything worth reading anyway.
But if I can’t write like this, how will I be able to plant manipulative and self-serving ideas into the brains of the stupid?