If you’ve got to be up early, and the people in the room next door are having a highly inconsiderate private party, what’s the best way of getting revenge?
It comes with the territory. Spend enough time in hostels or hotels, and eventually you’ll end up in a room next to someone you want to strangle. Noisy neighbours, alas, aren’t just confined to the real world.
Sooner or later, you’re going to end up losing sleep because the inconsiderate shit in the next room just wants to drunkenly shout, turn the music up or run down the corridor knocking on doors. It’s either that or overly vigorous carnal activities.
The mature way to deal with someone being so selfish at two or three in the morning is to knock on the door and politely ask them to pipe down. The alternative is to ask reception to either sort it out or move you to a different room. But this won’t always work – the biggest culprits will just ignore polite requests and you probably don’t want to pack all your stuff up in the middle of the night.
And that’s where immature methods come in. None of these are likely to get you any extra sleep, but they may well get sweet revenge…
Easily the best way to deal with people having noisy sex is to start clapping and cheering them on. Whoop and pretend you’re backing a nag at long odds in a horse race.
2. Leave an alarm clock
If you have to be up obscenely early (note: this always happens when you have to be up obscenely early), it may be worth sacrificing your alarm clock in the name of revenge. Pop it right next to the wall, set it to go off on repeat, then leave it in there as you check out.
3. Turn the TV on. And up.
If, like me, your alarm is on your phone and leaving that behind isn’t worth it, then the TV can do the job even better. As you leave the room at five or six in the morning, turn it on and max the volume. When I had this noisy neighbour problem recently, I appealed for suggestions on Twitter. One most excellent idea was to blast the TV out with it set to the porn channel. That’s not always free, however, so a particularly bad music channel should do the trick.
The problem with this approach is that you may end up making neighbours on the other side suffer too, and they probably don’t deserve it.
4. Join the party
A nice idea in theory, but the drunks aren’t usually having a party. They’ve usually finished the party, and have come back to the hotel for a couple of hours to be highly annoying before falling into a coma.
5. Invite the maids in
When you leave, why not pop your “Please Make Up Room Now” sign on their door handle? It should ensure a nice, early interruption.
6. Order some food
After such a big night, they’ll probably appreciate something to eat at 4.30am. Why not take advantage of the 24 hour room service and get something brought to them at this time? The only problem is explaining away why you’re not calling from that room. If you’re in a motel, of course, the done thing is to phone for pizza delivery.
7. Steal their breakfast
At a lot of hotels, you have to give your room number before you can attack the breakfast buffet. Give theirs instead of yours, and then their brekkie is already taken by the time they finally make it down there. There’s potential to be a whole lot more evil here, too. I’m not condoning this, but…
When you give your room number at breakfast, the staff member usually has a list of names and room numbers to tick off. If your eyes are sharp enough, you’ll be able to see the name opposite next door’s number. A bad person might be tempted to use that name and number when signing off things like dinner and drinks later that evening…
8. Give them a call
A lot of hotels tell you how to phone from room to room, so a series of early morning prank calls is a winner if so. If you have to go through reception, you may be faced with too many awkward questions about why you want to call at 5.30am.
Otherwise, you could try calling the hotel from your mobile and ask to be put through. Perhaps claim to be a family member if you got the right name at breakfast. If you haven’t got the name, you may need to get inventive, so here’s a suggestion…
Use the internet to find the name of a suitably seedy-sounding massage parlour, brothel or gay sauna. Pick up your mobile and phone the hotel, saying that you’re calling from said red-lit establishment and that a wallet has been left behind. “The keycard for room 402 at your hotel was with it, so I’m assuming it’s your guest,” you might add. Or, perhaps: “They’ll probably want it back – there’s a wedding ring inside the wallet.”
Either you’ll get put through, thus waking them up, or you won’t – and they’ll have to run a gauntlet of dirty looks and behind-the-hand laughter the next morning.
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All content copyright David Whitley.