This holiday will get much better when Emeli Sandé shows up…
Ever since Michael Palin went around the world in 80 days, the TV travel show genre has descended and descended until we’ve been left with Stephen Tompkinson shouting in a hot air balloon over the South Australian desert.
Having observed the offerings currently being dished up, however, I reckon I could do a brilliant job of filling the TV schedules with travel shows that bring in massive ratings. Here are just a few ideas that should send commissioning editors into states of semen-panted rapture…
- Gareth Malone’s Congo Choir: Gareth Malone solves the Democratic Republic of Congo’s interminable civil war by getting people from all sides to join a choir and sing a lovely version of Inside by Stiltskin.
- Wild Going To The Shops With Robson Green
- I Like It Hot, But Not Too Hot: Reality show where pensioners are sent around the world to complain about the temperature.
- The World’s Most Awesome Airport Transfers
- Brian Blessed’s Top 100 Carthusian Monasteries
- Transit Lounges With Louie Spence: Louie Spence livens up the transit lounge experience by continually dancing, irrespective of whether anyone wants him to.
- Rock Formations That Look A Bit Like Penises With Denise Van Outen
- Sun, Sea and Sandé: Ordinary holidaymakers are followed around Tenerife by Emeli Sandé, who sings Read All About it at them for 18 hours a day, every day while they try and sunbathe or have a meal in a nice restaurant.
- Amanda Holden’s Surprisingly Long Bus Rides
- Vernon Kay’s Places That Are About Two Hours’ Drive Away From A Major City That Are Quite Nice As A Weekend Break If You Live Nearby But Aren’t All That Impressive In International Terms
- The World In Comparison To Liverpool With John Bishop: A Michael Palin-esque round the world adventure, where John Bishop meets charming villagers and tells them that he’s from Liverpool every five seconds.
- Wild Putting The Bins Out With Robson Green
- Top Gear: Sark: Jeremy, Richard and James are flown to Sark, only to discover that no cars are allowed on the island. They have to dream up ways of being obnoxious pricks whilst having a lovely walk.
- The World’s Most Dangerous All-Inclusive Resorts
- Sitting In Charmingly Agreeable Cafés With Martin Clunes
- Chips With Ricky Tomlinson: Ricky Tomlinson takes on a Michael Palin-esque round the world adventure, concentrating solely on the quality of chips served up in every country.
- Fuck Me Did You See The Size Of That? With Coleen Nolan
- The World’s Greatest Embassies With Julian Assange: Just a one off. Not sure there’s a series in this.
- Mosquito Trekking With Shane Richie
- Pauline Quirke Sitting On An Elephant For A Bit
- Gok Wan’s Sub-Saharan Africa: Gok Wan visits disease-ridden sub-Saharan villages and makes everyone’s life better by telling them they wouldn’t be poverty-stricken and dying if they showed a bit of self-confidence and worked their best features.
- Madeira With 50 Cent
- Michael McIntyre’s Passport Control Queues: Michael McIntyre stands in tedious passport queues, entertaining people with hilarious observations about passport queues.
- Cock-Fighting With Caroline Quentin
- Billy Ray Cyprus
- Internet-Cheap-Airport-Parking-Discount-Cheap.com: Revolutionary fly on the wall documentary that will lift the lid on how the travel industry REALLY works. About a company that sells slightly discounted airport parking over the internet.
- Peter Kay’s Hilarious Restaurant Menu Translations
- Pirate-Taunting With Alan Carr: Alan Carr unleashes his unique brand off zany humour off the coast of Somalia.
- Impoverished Foreigners Say The Funniest Things!
- Sun Cream Application With Russell Grant
- Tout Appeasement With Huw Edwards: Huw Edwards is sent down streets in Marrakech, Cairo and Ho Chi Minh City, and has to buy everything he’s offered because he doesn’t want to seem rude turning them down.
- Wild Going To The Bank To Pay A Cheque In With Robson Green
- Robinson’s Bali: Ann Robinson heads to Kuta to try and make intelligible conversation with singlet-clad men from Perth who think anyone who doesn’t like a nice bit of racism should fuck off and go back to their own country.
- Lethal Bizzle’s Tuscany
- Otter-Bothering With Bradley Walsh
- Alan Yentob On Alan Yentob: Alan Yentob goes to some of the most amazing places in the world and just talks about himself.
- Look At Him Off Of Waterloo Road In A Fucking Big Hovercraft!
- Jamie’s World Of Sainsbury’s: Jamie Oliver travels the world at great expense to find ingredients that he can find in his local supermarket because they’re imported.
- Renewing Travel Insurance With Olly Murs
- Wild Collecting Amazon Parcels From The Post Office Because The Postman Tried To Deliver Them While He Was At The Shops With Robson Green
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Arm wrestling with Chas ‘n’ Dave?
Cooking in prison
Inner city sumo?
I would buy a tv license in an instant if those were real.
Shhh, you’ll give them ideas. Goes to show how localised celebrity can be though, the only names I recognised there were Brian Blessed, Jeremy Clarkson, Martin Clunes, Julian Assange and Jamie Oliver.