Pop stars are forever asking questions, but no-one seems to give them an answer. Never fear, oh wielders of the sparkly microphone – I’m here to help. Please find below a few answers to your most pressing questions.
Q from Travis: “Why does it always rain on me?”
A: It’s because you live in Glasgow.
Q from Band Aid: “Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?”
A: According to Wikipedia, 62.76% of the Ethiopian population is Christian. I’d say it was highly probable.
Q from Dionne Warwick: “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
A: If, as you claim, you were born and raised there, you should be telling me.
Q from Karen Carpenter: “Why do birds suddenly appear, ever time that you’re near?”
A: Because I work in an aviary.
Q from Creedence Clearwater Revival: “Have you ever seen the rain?”
A: Unless you’re talking to someone who lives in the Atacama desert or is blind, the answer is almost certainly ‘yes’. Have a word with Travis – they can tell you a bit more about the subject.
Q from The Beatles: “What would you think if I sang out of tune?”
A: I’d think you should probably cut down on the novelty Ringo songs. And maybe cut the George Harrison sitar noodling while you’re at it.
Q from Roy Orbison: “I drove all night. Is that alright?”
A: No, Roy, you’re partially sighted. That’s why you’re not allowed to have a driving licence. That’s even before we get onto the subject of mandatory rest breaks every two hours.
Q from Bob Dylan: “How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?”
A: It’s all decided by chromosomes, not road-walking.
Q from Bros: “When will I be famous?”
A: A brief period between 1987 and 1989. It’s all downhill after that.
Q from Alanis Morissette: “Isn’t it ironic?”
A: No – have a chat to Ed Byrne for a more detailed explanation.
Interesting! Who DID let the dogs out?