David Whitley, insistent that he can’t stand theme parks, is forced to re-evaluate on a trip to the Gold Coast.
How hard can it be to buy a ticket? It seems as though for some people, it is up there with the theory of relativity. Heaven forbid it could be as simple as looking at the price clearly stated on the sign, getting the money out of your wallet and then handing it over. Come on – is there any real need for the interminable debates at the ticket booth?
Such rampant irritability, unfortunately, is a natural result of making unwise promises. I hadn’t checked the date before offering to keep Robert entertained for a couple of days while his parents disappeared to rekindle the marital flame. I hate theme parks at the best of times, but after staying up all night to watch sport through a beer fug, this equates to pure torture.
Robert, of course, is 14 years worth of energy, excitement and all those other youthful traits that are vaguely nauseating. He absolutely adores theme parks, and that means his grizzled temporary guardian is going to have to spend a whole day on Batman Adventure: The Ride and the likes. Ground, swallow me up.
Warner Brothers’ Movie World is one of the many child-friendly fun factories that the Gold Coast is so famous for. As with all the others, it is full of unemployed actors in degrading costumes, dining experiences straight from a really bad school canteen and clanking machinery designed to thrill and horrify in equal measure. And, worst of all, it’s actually rather enjoyable.
This shameful admission is finally eked out whilst sat in the carriage of the Superman Escape. Around us, there has been a disaster on the subway, an earthquake has hit, police cars have fallen through the collapsed roof and everything’s about to explode. Thank heavens for Superman, who is about to sidle up behind and push our train to safety. The whole setting is gloriously hokey, naturally, but at least the ‘theme’ is being put into the theme park, rather than just calling the ride Megablastatron and making you sit in drab metal seats for no apparent reas…
Woaaaaaah! That’s fast. None of the traditional chug-chug upwards here – with Supes at the rear, we’re fired upwards, going from 0-100km/h in just two seconds. It’s enough to leave you gibbering hopelessly as the stricken carriage rattles around the track.
Movie World isn’t all about the rollercoasters, though, and the shows are arguably more entertaining. The Police Academy Stunt Show, involving all manner of pratfalls, explosions, shoot-outs and dangerous driving, is particularly excellent. OK, it’ll never win any scriptwriting awards, but it manages to be at least 7,428 times better than the films it is loosely based on.
The shows are also the best thing about Seaworld, which is the park to head for if your screeching brat is more into sharks than superheroes. The highlight of the day is The Quest For The Golden Seal, which is a bit like Indiana Jones, but with more fish.
And, to be fair, after the build up, it has a lot of expectations to live up to. For a good half hour, everyone is stranded in their seats whilst vendors wander round trying to sell ice cream, popcorn, fizzy drinks and what appear to be lumps of sugary fat. No wonder we have an obesity problem in this country – blame the seals, not the government.
Eventually, the tribal drumbeats dissipate, and we meet the stars of the show, Claude and Buddy. There are few things they won’t do for a juicy seafood snack, and whatever you think about seals being kept in captivity in order to entertain us with funny walks and beach balls, you can’t deny that it’s all very clever and cutesy. The indomitable duo jump, slide, kiss and bellow on cue, making Harrison Ford look like a lead-footed clown.
The other animals that call Seaworld home aren’t quite so exhibitionist, but they’re equally lovable. Robert is entranced by Polar Bear Shores, and watching the Arctic giants lollop around in the water is a pleasure. The surrounding enclosure is full of information on the big white furballs, and seems to be putting an inordinate amount of effort into explaining that it’s not cruel to keep polar bears so close to the tropics. Because, er, it gets warm in Canada too, sometimes, you know. And, like, squillions and squillions has been spent on recreating the natural environment, OK?
Eventually, Robert is dragged away from Hudson and Nelson in order to meet Pig, who is possibly the most wonderful creature ever put on this earth. He’s an orphaned dugong who was saved by the Queensland Parks and Wildlife Service when found helpless in 1998. He’s quite happy to flop along all day eating sea grass, but I defy anyone to look at his big, dumb face and not go into heart-melting territory. I want one, and shall be nipping down to the nearest pet shop to get one whilst Robert picks out a nice polar bear.
This article was originally written for Ninemsn.
Copyright David Whitley
