David Whitley watches fat Hungarians, Germans and Austrians mess around in Europe’s largest thermal lake.
Nature-watching in Heviz
For ardent nature watchers, it is a fine example of the species. The taut skin stretches over the substantial curve, as though it is finely packed in, not a spare inch to be filled out. Fetch the harpoons – we’ve got one.
Either side of the protruding bulge of this most excellent corpulent beast are a pair of miniscule Speedos and a fulsome silver moustache, partly covered in the third ice cream of the day. A stirring sight and, amongst those sprawled along the banks of Gyógy-tó, one that is most definitely not alone.
As is often the case with this sort of thing, the biggest wellness retreats act like a magnet to those who would be better off doing some hard laps rather than lounging around in the bubbles.
Europe’s largest thermal lake
Gyógy-tó in Heviz, Hungary, is Europe’s largest thermal lake, and it’s an extraordinary sight. Eating five hectares into the surrounding woodland, it is fed by a deep (and very hyperactive) thermal spring that ensures that the water temperature never dips below 26 degrees.
Theoretically, it still makes for a nice warm dip even in the heart of a fierce central European winter, but in the summer it is primed for laziness.
Right in the middle there is a big pavilion, which is described by just about every guidebook as fin-de-siècle, almost as though the writers have just copied each other, not knowing what it means.
The Heviz Octopus
Octopus-like would be a far better phrase. From the central head, tentacles are sprawled all over the lake, leading to sun-bathing platforms, changing rooms and all manner of secretive rooms.
These are where the portly tourists have their backs pummelled, their faces doused in gunk and their mountainous guts covered with crisp white towels. Shoes must be removed, showers taken and sun protection cream eschewed – the magical waters of the lake must be protected at all times.
At the centre of the octopus, there is a taster. Deep down below the platforms is a darkened pool, in which a gaggle of sectagenarians hang on to a metal bar, all moving on one position every two minutes.
It’s almost as though they’re on a conveyor belt, being fed to the hungry Kraaken at the bottom of the lake that has a penchant for wrinkly Hungarians.
Relaxing in the water
Once out of the Bond villain lair, however, the lake is an idyllic watery playground. The woodland provides a soothing backdrop to what essentially is a lot of people who should probably know better floating around in rubber rings.
The vague sulphuric smell isn’t enough to deter these hardy adventurers, splish-splashing away in the warm, enveloping cocoon and wishing violent sunburn upon their shoulders. Some even break into a swim, such as the couple wearing matching swimming caps, patriotically emblazoned with the German flag. Not for long mind – just as far as the next pontoon to cling onto.
If Gyógy-tó is all about being brilliantly relaxed enough to come across as heaven’s waiting room, then its bigger neighbour is altogether different.
Lake Balaton
Lake Balaton is huge – the biggest lake in Europe if you ignore Scandinavia – and it is not for nothing known as the Hungarian Sea. For decades, it has been the prime holiday spot for most Hungarians, ably assisted by swarms of Germans and Austrians.
In recent years, however, it has taken something of a hit, with cheap flights allowing visitors to get to the Croatian coast instead.
This has lead to some spectacular accommodation deals, and a concerted advertising campaign to get the tourists back.
One of these adverts featured a young couple going at it hammer and tongs on a rowboat, which pleased the families that make up most of the market no end.
Keszthely
Still, enough of them are still coming to mean that beach space is at a premium. In Keszthely, the biggest town of many around the lake, towels are down early and the shoreline throbs with activity.
For children, the lake is just about perfect. It’s incredibly shallow, meaning they can wade far out on the sludgy clay surface before reaching neck height, and most parents are comfortable leaving them to their own devices without floats and armbands.
There is also a big blue slide, which shoots screaming child after screaming child into the waters all day long. The lifeguard firmly enforces a long list of rules, which one nipper is distraught to discover involves not taking chips onto the slide.
Luckily, the queue outside it is more than enough to deter any young-at-heart adults contemplating a reversion to more innocent days.
Pedalo power
Never fear, as there is plenty on offer for the big kids too. Motorised vehicles are not allowed onto Balaton, so that leaves room for all manner of craft. Dads enthusiastically take to the water in kayaks cunningly disguised as dragons and crocodiles, while sailboats dot the horizon, the masters cursing themselves for heading out on a near-windless day.
Meanwhile, amongst those trying to swim in depths more suited to paddling, are the biggest pedalos known to man.
Whole extended families are perched on top of them, crammed aboard as thought they were stereotypical Indian trains. Three are pedalling, whilst the privileged few just enjoy the ride and occasionally whizz down the slide on the back – it truly is a fabulous contraption.
If that’s not enough, then cruises and fishing jaunts are also on offer. Quite where the young couple on the rowboat would get the chance to sneak off for a libidinous encounter amongst all this is difficult to ascertain, but for most there, it’s the perfect summer seaside holiday. That there’s no seaside is a minor triviality.
Trip notes
The top end of Lake Balaton is 85km south-west of Budapest, and there are resort towns all around it. The northern shore of the lake tends to be more refined and family orientated, with the south shore bearing more of a resemblance to those controversial adverts.
Keszthely is on the south-west tip of the 80km-long lake, 7km away from Heviz and close to the small FlyBalaton airport.
Unless turning up in the middle of August, accommodation is plentiful, and there are some ridiculous bargains to be had for those just turning up on the day at the many pensions competing for business near the lakeside.
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