In the past, I have been somewhat critical of cruising. As a form of tourism, I believe it is extremely damaging, not only to the environment, but to the culture of the places the gigantic floating resorts visit and the experience of the unfortunate souls who happen to be in the same place when the ship docks.

Put simply, when an enormous ship docks in a small place, it all becomes about servicing that ship, even if the inhabitants of it have no real interest in said place.

But recently I have changed my mind; cruising is not the most obnoxious, blatantly intrusive and damaging form of tourism.

One Sunday in the Peak District

The other weekend, my good lady and I decided to head out to the Peak District and go for a walk. Before I’m called up for hypocrisy, yes, we drove. Tip of the iceberg etc. Live with it…

On the way to Cromford, we got snared up in a traffic jam. This was partly due to daytrippers such as ourselves, but largely due to a staggeringly huge bikers’ rally that seemed to be converging on Matlock Bath and Cromford.

The jams were, for the most part, caused by those delightful chaps on bikes heading round the side of the cars, then accelerating faster when the lights changed so that ten or 20 bikes would get through for every car, leaving an enormous tailback of frustrated drivers.

As we passed through Matlock Bath, the whole village was overrun. All the parking spots – and vast swathes of pavement that clearly weren’t parking spots – were taken up with bikes. Essentially, a few groups of bikers had decided to get together and completely overwhelm a delightful part of the world with a cacophony of engine noise and pollution.

Motorists vs cyclists

In doing so, they somehow managed to combine all the things that motorists hate about cyclists (flagrantly disobeying road rules, arrogant assumption of precedence) and everything that cyclists hate about motorists (noise, pollution, reckless endangering of others, arrogant assumption of precedence).

Obnoxious tourism

I really struggle to think of a more obnoxious form of tourism. I’ve absolutely no objection to anyone owning a motorbike and using it to explore the country (or indeed world). What I object to is a group deciding that they all going to converge on one tiny place that is clearly ill-equipped to deal with the influx, making furious noise* and thoroughly ruining the experience of anyone else who happens to be in the same place at the time.

I don’t like enormous tour buses, but at least that means they all travel in the same vehicle. Biker rallies ensure that thousands travel on their own, in an environmentally outrageous manner that directly impacting on the experience of others. There comes a point where having a hobby is no longer a positive thing. If you really have to make yourself feel better by conspiring to overrun a small village in order to meet people who like the same form of transport as yourself, can I suggest that you develop a penchant for buses?

*Actually, whilst I claim not to object to the ownership of motorbikes, I do believe noise reduction on them should be enforced by law. Sorry Harley owners, if that suddenly makes your machine less impressive, but tough shit.

ONE – Kamikaze Driver

He’s driven this route hundreds of times before and is so bored of it that he tackles it like a maniac. Completely sure of his own abilities, he veers across the road, overtakes on blind corners and careers around hairpin bends in a way that prompts visions of newspaper headlines about horror crashes.

TWO – The Complainers

They don’t go on holiday to enjoy themselves. They go in order to nitpick at every little thing, from the comfort of the seats to a minute deviation from the promised itinerary. They only consider it to have been a successful holiday if they manage to get a discount at the end. And if that means making everyone else’s life a misery, then so be it.

THREE – Disinterested Teen

Somehow they’ve ended up on the wrong holiday. They’re not in the slightest bit interested in learning about the place they’re visiting, and the iPod headphones have gone in from the moment the key turned in the bus’ ignition. The entire trip, therefore, will be punctuated by contemptuous yawns.

FOUR – The Watch Losers

They must have lost their watches, surely? What other reason would there be for them arriving back at the bus so consistently late at every stop, despite specific instructions to be back for a certain time. And as a result, most of the rest of the tour guide’s commentary consists of apologies for not getting much time at the key sites and begging people to be back when the clock strikes a certain hour.

FIVE – Mrs Weak Bladder

The bus has been in motion for a whole fifteen minutes before Mrs Weak Bladder sidles up to the driver to make a request. Cue a detour so that she can visit a public convenience, and an increasingly revised schedule based largely around toilet stops rather than attractions of interest.

SIX – The Photo Freaks

They have to get a photograph of absolutely everything, whether it’s a run-down shop or a meandering pigeon. And they have to get it from absolutely every angle. This, of course, means that you’re constantly treading on eggshells, trying to get out of the shot.

SEVEN – The Group Photo Freaks

You’re never going to see any of the people on the bus again. You don’t even like most of them. But you’re still going to have to grin and bear the losers that insist on taking group photos at every stop along the way. And, of course, once one person wants a group photo, everybody does. This ensures that you’re stuck in the same pose with a rictus grin for at least 30 minutes every day.

EIGHT – The Sleazy Tour Guide

He’s only in the job for one reason – and that’s to crack on to any unsuspecting hottie that may wander onto his bus. From the word go, his sole focus is getting into the delightful young lady’s knickers, and if any of the other passengers feel ignored, then tough luck.

NINE – The Newbie Tour Guide

He’s just been employed by the company, and he’s not even done a practice run of the route yet. He’s not quite sure where the hotels are, his knowledge comes from the few scraggy sheets of paper in front of him, and his commentary displays all the character of a frightened schoolboy who has just wet his pants.

TEN – The Lairy Lads

Wahey! They’re on holiday! So everyone’s got to have lots and lots of fun. Alas, their idea of fun generally consists of obnoxious bellowing, bullying anyone that might care for a quiet moment to themselves and a permanent state of drunkenness.

In fact, it’s so good, I thought I might share it. The PR’s name has been left off, but everything else is verbatim. Enjoy…

Hanjin Group Opens Navoi Cargo Terminal in Uzbekistan

◎ Korean Air held a ceremony to celebrate the opening of Navoi Cargo Terminal on August 12.

◎ With 1.46 million square feet of space and 100,000 tons of yearly capacity, the new cargo terminal features state-of-the-art facilities.

◎ The Navoi Cargo Terminal is part of Hanjin Group’s ‘Navoi Project’ to grow Navoi as a logistics hub of Central Asia.

◎ Korean Air will expand its cargo network by adding new routes from Navoi this year.

SEOUL, Korea (August 12, 2010) – Hanjin Group, the global comprehensive logistics group comprising air, sea and land transport, is speeding up the project to create a Central Asian logistics hub with the new cargo terminal at Navoi International Airport in Uzbekistan.

On Thursday August 12, senior management of Korean Air, a core subsidiary of Hanjin Group, and Uzbekistan officials gathered at Navoi International Airport to celebrate the opening of the Navoi Cargo Terminal. Among the hundred guests present at the ceremony are Mr. Chang Hoon Chi, President and COO of Korean Air, Mr. Dae Wan Jun, Korean Ambassador to Uzbekistan and Mr. Valeriy Tyan, Director General of Uzbekistan Airways and Head of the Uzbekistan Aviation Administration.

Since January 2009, Hanjin Group has been managing Navoi International Airport hand in hand with the Uzbekistan government to develop Navoi as the logistics hub of Central Asia and to facilitate Korean companies’ entry into the market. Hanjin’s ‘Navoi Project’ includes modernizing airport facilities, expanding global air cargo network and constructing the advanced logistics complex.  

“The new Navoi Cargo Terminal has been designed based on the Korean Air’s state-of-the-art cargo terminals at Incheon International Airport which leads the global cargo industry by setting very high standard. The Navoi Cargo Terminal is set to become the center of the modern day “Silk Road” with its advanced airport infrastructure,” Mr. Chang Hoon Chi, President and COO of Korean Air said.

“Korean Air will spare no effort in supporting the growth of Navoi into Central Asia’s best logistics hub, expanding global network and practicing aggressive marketing strategies as Korean Air participates in the airport management,” he added.

With construction underway since December 2008, the newly unveiled Navoi Cargo Terminal has been developed as part of the project to modernize airport infrastructure for Uzbekistan. The new terminal, with total floor space of 160,382 square feet on a 1.46 million square feet site, is designed to handle 100,000 tons of cargo a year and features state-of-the-art facilities such as refrigerated warehouses and quarantine stations. The Navoi Cargo Terminal’s capacity will be upgraded to process up to 500,000 tons of cargo a year as global cargo demand increases.    

The Navoi Cargo Terminal has been successfully completed thanks to the consistent support and technological know-how of Korean Air, which is the number one commercial air cargo carrier in every aspect from construction, operation and ground handling. Uzbekistan officials, including Mr. Rustam Azimov, First Deputy Prime Minister of Uzbekistan, has visited Korean Air’s cutting-edge cargo terminals at Incheon International Airport a number of times. Impressed very much by the success of Incheon, Mr. Azimov had ordered to design and build the Navoi Cargo Terminal jointly with Korean Air.

By opening the new fuel storage tank which can store sufficient fuel for 27 B747-400 jumbo freighters, all core infrastructure for Navoi International Airport to become a logistics hub will be set up in stages.

As part of efforts to develop Navoi, Korean Air has been operating its cargo flights from Incheon to Milan and Brussels via Navoi Airport seven times a week since 2008. Also, direct cargo flights from Navoi to Deli, Mumbai, Bangkok and Frankfurt have been flying nine times a week since last year. With the new Navoi Cargo Terminal now available, Korean Air will add its cargo routes from Navoi to Istanbul, Dubai, Almaty(Kazakhstan) and Dacca(Bangladesh) this year.

Hanjin Group has been conducting a variety of projects to create Navoi as a logistics hub of Central Asia.  Hanjin Transportation Co., Ltd. has co-established ‘Eurasia Logistics Service’ with one of the local ground transport companies and has been strengthening the ground network of Central Asia. Eurasia Logistic Service will cooperate with Korean Air’s cargo terminal and air cargo network, and establish a land transport network in Central Asia.

Also, Hanjin Group is currently constructing a residential complex in Uzbekistan for foreign investing companies to be located in the Free Industrial-Economic Zone, enhancing convenience of workers by providing accommodation and other facilities. As a first step, a 71,042 square-foot hotel with various facilities for business and leisure is planned to open this September.  

-Ends-

About Korean Air:

In 2009, Business Traveler magazine honored Korean Air for the fourth consecutive year as having the “Best Transpacific Business Class” and ranked it “The Best Airline in Asia” for three consecutive years; TTG Asia rated it as the Best North Asian Airline; the carrier was named the 2009 winner of the Global Travel Catering Distinction Award by Pax International magazine; World Traveler magazine rated it has having the world’s best inflight service; readers of Travel & Leisure magazine said it is one of the world’s top 10 international airlines, and readers of Conde Nast Traveler magazine voted it has having one of the world’s top five business classes.

Korean Air, with a fleet of 132 aircraft, is one of the world’s top 20 airlines, and operates almost 400 passenger flights per day to 117 cities in 39 countries. It is a founding member of the SkyTeam alliance, together with its thirteen members, offers its 395 million annual passengers a worldwide system of more than 13,000 daily flights covering 898 destinations in 169 countries. The alliance celebrated its 10th anniversary in June 2010.

More on Korean Air’s programs, routes, frequency and partners is available at www.koreanair.com.

When it comes to budget airlines, Ryanair is the traditional whipping boy. People love to hate Ryanair, and automatically assume that it is the worst airline for underhand practices and add-on fees.

The truth, however, is that Ryanair has largely eliminated many of its naughtiest habits. Yes, it charges a fortune to check in bags, get a boarding pass at the airport or pay with anything other than an obscure prepaid Mastercard, but at least the website does things the right way. You have to opt in for any additional extras rather than opt out, and prices are quoted with taxes and charges inclusive.

Flybe web booking system

Fellow budget airline Flybe, alas, is merrily engaging in practices that Ryanair can no longer get away with. Recently, I had the ‘pleasure’ of booking flights with Flybe, and came across all manner of dirty tricks. These are detailed in full, with screenshots, here.

Opt outs and non-inclusive pricing

To summarise, however, Flybe quoted without taxes and charges inclusive – these were only added when a particular flight was selected. Flybe also assumed that passengers would be travelling with a 20kg bag – I actively had to opt out of this to avoid the £9.99 surcharge. After this, I was left hunting for the option to remove the preselected seat. The method of doing this – and avoiding the £6 preselected seat charge – is extremely (deliberately?) unclear.

Flybe’s ‘complete transparency’

That Flybe gets such an easy ride over this is incredible. The shameless contempt for the customer shines through, despite a laughable and oft-repeated statement on the site saying: “Flybe is committed to complete transparency regarding how we charge for our flights.”

Legal questions

Flybe’s booking process is undoubtedly cynical and aimed at squeezing as much money out of non-web savvy customers as possible. But, more interestingly, is it legal? Let’s have a look at the European Union Air Service Regulations, shall we?

EU regulations on inclusive pricing

Regulation 1008/2008 of the European Parliament and Council became law in 2008 (full text in PDF format here). Amongst the more salient passages is this one: “Customers should be able to compare effectively the prices for air services of different airlines. Therefore the final price to be paid by the customer for air services originating in the Community should at all times be indicated, inclusive of all taxes, charges and fees.”

EU regulations on opt-out extra charges

And here’s another one: “Optional price supplements shall be communicated in a clear, transparent and unambiguous way at the start of any booking process and their acceptance by the customer shall be on an ‘opt-in’ basis.”

Legal or illegal?

I’m not a lawyer, but something’s not quite right here, is it? Either Flybe has found some fiendish loophole that ensures its website just about complies with the regulations on a technicality, or Flybe is blatantly flouting the law. And if it is somehow within the letter of the law, then it is most certainly miles outside the spirit of it.

Questions for Flybe

At time of publishing, I had contacted Flybe three times to ask for a comment. I am yet to receive a response despite allowing a full working day for a response. I’m still keen to give right of reply – and get to the bottom of why Flybe’s website is as it is. So, if Flybe’s PR team is reading this, perhaps you could answer these questions:

1. Is Flybe aware of the law concerning inclusive pricing and opt-out extras?
2. If so, can you explain how Flybe’s website complies with it?
3. Is it fair comment to say that the Flybe website is designed to be deliberately confusing and push customers into taking optional extras they do not need?
4. Is Flybe prepared to change its website booking system to comply with the spirit as well as technicalities of the European Union Air Service Regulations. If not, why not?

However, I’m not cool and never will be – so, for now, I’m prepared to stick to my pitiful logic. I’d sooner confess to my uncool hang-ups rather than ignore them because I feel that I really ought to. And here they are…

1.       I’ll have to send off for a visa

I’m very protective of my passport, and often need to go jaunting off somewhere at relatively short notice. Therefore I hate having to post it off for an undisclosed period so that some bureaucrat can stick a bit of paper in it. And, in my head, having to send off for a visa equates to a series of jobsworth encounters on the ground. I’ll go elsewhere thanks.

2.       I can’t get a drink very easily

I like booze. Partaking in it is a nice way to spend an evening. A bottle of wine over a meal, whilst not an absolute must, is pleasant. Similarly, I like a beer on a terrace of a summer’s evening, and occasionally a night on the tiles.

And, this is why I have a knee-jerk reaction that says: “Avoid Islamic countries.” There’s something awfully seedy about being confined to hotels if I want a drink, and I like to be able to have a social drink without feeling like a leper.

3.       I’ll probably get hassled

If I’m regularly going to be surrounded by people trying to sell me things/ offer their services as a guide/ ask me for money, then I’m not going to like it. Sorry Egypt, India and Jamaica – you’ve fallen down the list.

4.       I’ll have to spend time in a big Asian city

I just don’t get the appeal of big Asian cities, which is weird as I really enjoy big European cities, would love to go to Buenos Aires and Rio De Janeiro and could happily live in Cape Town or Sydney. I know there’s more to them than traffic, street food and temples, but I just see dirt and noise without that edge of excitement. And thus, if it means I have to spend time in Bangkok to get to parts of Thailand I’ll undoubtedly enjoy, I’ll think twice.

5.       There’s nothing to do

I have a relaxation threshold of approximately twelve minutes. I don’t care how beautiful the beaches are – if there’s nothing else I can do or explore, then I’m going to go stir crazy.

6.       I can’t get around by train

Despite the fact that I spent three weeks driving across Australia in May, I generally hate driving. Especially in cities or along dodgy country roads that I don’t know. Trains, on the other hand, are a wonderful way to get around. I can switch off, take in the view or read a book while someone else does the hard work. I’ll happily go out of my way to use public transport rather than rent a car, and if most of the things I’d want to see can’t be accessed by public transport, then I’ll go somewhere else where they can.

7.       It’s not a new country

This is the most childish of the lot. I shamelessly tick countries, and would thus sooner head to Kosovo than any of the 49 US states I have not been to, even though I know I’d almost certainly enjoy the latter more. For similar reasons, I’ll probably try to go to Manama before Montreal, the Faroe Islands instead of the Greek Islands and Baku ahead of Borneo. I really need to get over this, don’t I?

Do you have any similar reasons that make you avoid certain places? Well, try confessing by leaving a comment. Go on – it’ll be cathartic.

For those who like to compare airlines, seat pitch is usually taken as the standard measurement. For the uninitiated, the seat pitch is the distance between the back of one seat and the back of the seat behind it.

Seat pitch comparison table

Across the internet, there is plenty of data on the seat pitches that various airlines offer. This table, for example, compares over 100 airlines – and it seems as though those with long legs should plump for Malaysia Airlines over Easyjet and BMIbaby.

Is leg room that important?

But as someone who regularly suffers long haul economy flights, I can’t understand what the fuss about seat pitch is about. Sure, the more leg room, the better, but it’s not the measurement that counts.

Middle seat hell

I just came back from Singapore to London trapped in the middle seat (the perils of travelling as a couple and having to take turns in the aisle seat). Leg room wasn’t sensational, but it was OK until the selfish arse in front of me went for the full recline the moment the seatbelt signs had been turned off. (This, incidentally, is a problem that Cathay Pacific has largely circumvented).

Seat width

What made me howlingly uncomfortable was the lack of width in the seat. Now I have been known to indulge in a few pies from time to time, but I’m merely a big lad rather than a blancmange-like biffer (around 100kg if you must know). My fiancée is considerably daintier, and even she found the seat an uncomfortable squeeze.

Shoulder to shoulder

Whilst I don’t have belly folds slopping over the armrest, the simple fact of the matter is that the width of the seat was smaller than my shoulder width. And it would be smaller than many people’s shoulder width too.

Contortions

For those luckier enough not to suffer the problem, let me try and explain it. I had to spend 13-hours plus with my shoulders tucked inwards, elbows in front of my chest rather than at the side of it. That gets extremely uncomfortable over a long period of time – and having to eat in that position is very difficult indeed.

Key measurements

The two key measurements for me, therefore, are as follows:

1. Width of seat at shoulder height from side to side (not armrest to armrest – the whole armrest issue is something of a red herring).
2. At knee height, distance between the back of a seat WHEN RECLINED and the front of the seat behind it.

How airlines can win customers

Yet no-one seems to talk about either of these. Try searching the internet, and you’ll find just scraps (although if anyone does find a comparison table, please send it my way). Comparing the comfort of airline seats using seat pitch as a measurement is a bit like deciding which football team is better by the amount of corners they win. Sure, it’s a handy guideline, but it’s not the measurement that counts. Comfort isn’t about the space in front of you – it’s about the space to either side of you. And if airlines started to widen their seats – then sing to the heavens about doing so – I’m pretty sure they’d end up with a lot more custom.

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Grumpy Traveller Recommended Read

If you want to read something considerably more moving than my whining, then try Random Acts of Heroic Love by Danny Scheinmann. It’s an odd book, telling two very different stories. The first is of a man’s grief process after losing his soulmate in an Ecuadorian bus crash, the second is of one man’s amazing trek across Siberia to escape a Prisoner of War Camp.

I’ll not spoil the ending, but it’s not the plot that really matters with this book – it’s the writing. Schienmann has a beautiful way with words, and he nearly brought me to tears on several occasions. It should descend into mawkish schmaltz but it doesn’t – the weaving and picture-painting is immensely powerful.

The book is full of choking emotion – not usually my cup of tea, it has to be said – and acts as something of a writing masterclass. And, whilst I’ll not spoil the ending, it’s well worth hanging on for.

If you buy through these Amazon UK or Amazon US links, I receive a small commission. But I recommend the book irrespective of how you buy it.

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As some of you may know, I am currently driving through the middle of Australia. It’s a magical journey that I recommend everyone undertakes at least once in their lifetime. However – if like I did – you start in Melbourne rather than Adelaide, be prepared to battle what are possibly the world’s most counter-productive road signs.

The Victorian Government is clearly big on safe driving. The highway from Melbourne to Adelaide through Ballarat and Horsham is dotted with rest areas. Unfortunately, it is also dotted with signs encouraging people to use them.

You’ll come across them every couple of kilometres. “Feeling drowsy?” some will ask. “Driver fatigue kills” inform others. The more direct ones point out rest areas, effectively ordering you to “Powernap NOW!”

It’s an over-the-top bombardment, clearly aimed at making drivers take a short break every couple of hours in order to keep themselves refreshed and stop them from falling asleep at the wheel.

The effect it does have, of course, is to make perfectly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed drivers feel tired. You may as well have a hypnotist waving a pocket watch in front of you, saying: “You are now feeling very sleepy.”

Or they could go the whole hog and force cars to be equipped with comfy pillows and hot toddies, whilst issuing directives to radio stations to only play lullabies.

For us, the “feeling sleepy?” barrage became a great running joke. But the Victorian Government probably didn’t its road safety campaign to become a figure of fun – and the sledgehammer approach should probably be rethought.

Tourist vs traveller

I’ve no desire to get into the hoary, old and frankly ridiculous tourist versus traveller debate. Going on a tour doesn’t necessarily make you a second class citizen to be sneered at.

But this doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry when tour companies treat their customers with cynical contempt.

Great Sights Fiji – Nadi Tour

I recently had the misfortune to go on Great Sights Fiji’s Nadi Tour. The brochure said this would involve a visit to a big Hindu temple, a trip round the Nadi Markets, a guided tour around the orchid garden created by Ironside actor Raymond Burr and time in the village in which the ancestors of today’s Fijians supposedly first landed.

Gullible passengers

The Garden of the Sleeping Giant and Nadi Markets sections were, to be fair, pretty good. The rest of the afternoon out, alas, was an appalling exercise in treating passengers as gullible mugs to be exploited.

Photos of the temple

We got to the Sri Siva Subramaniya Swami temple, only to be told entrance wasn’t included in the tour. All we were able to do was take pictures through the metal outside gate.

Handicrafts market

Then, after the fruit market, we were asked by the guide (who was barely comprehensible, incidentally) if we wanted to have an unscheduled look around the handicraft market. No-one really did, but a couple of non-committal mumbles were taken as a yes.

Souvenir shop

The ‘handicraft market’ turned out to be a branch of Jack’s – a souvenir shop that has branches all over Fiji. And the trap worked – one couple ended up detaining the rest of the group for 30 minutes while they bought tat.

Unscheduled shopping stops

Such unscheduled shopping stops are a regular disgrace on mass market tours. There’s almost always some kind of relationship between the guide/ tour company and the shop, and the passengers are blatantly kept there until someone spends some money on stuff they don’t need.

Viseisei village

The most cynical part of the trip came at the end of the tour, however, on the trip to Viseisei village. We emerged from the bus to be greeted with ten tables full of souvenir trinkets. Our villager guide encouraged us to have a look through to see what we wanted to buy for around half an hour.

Village tour

And then, when the same gullible couple had bought some interchangeable mass-produced tat from two or three stall-holders, she finally commenced a laughably cursory tour of the village. We didn’t get to go into any of the buildings (“unfortunately, you spent too much time looking at the souvenirs”) and were fed an absolute pack of lies about the history of both the village and Fiji. Fair play to the guide, though – she had the chutzpah to insist that the ancestors of today’s Fijians did arrive from modern-day Tanzania in 1700, even when challenged on this particular piece of utter bullshit.

Business model

Great Sights Fiji was guilty of treating its customers like pliable idiots. It’s obviously a decent business model – two of the passengers on my trip undoubtedly were just that. This, alas, is a model that I’ve seen in use across the world – once paid up, customers are nothing but a herd of mooing cows to be passed from shop to shop in a bid to milk them of as much money from them as possible.

Exploitation of customers

Great Sights Fiji – and all other companies that indulge in such cowardly exploitation of the customers that put faith in them – should be ashamed of themselves. Filling up great swathes of time with “bonuses” that are little more than enforced expeditions to buy crap is a blight on the tourism industry. Employing guides who have technically good English but are unable to communicate with any clarity isn’t good enough. And telling blatant lies to customers in a bid to justify why you include a place rammed with souvenir stalls on an itinerary is just pathetic.

Alternative business model

There is another business model – thankfully one that I’ve seen in equal measure. This oneholds to the principle that if you give your customer the best experience you can, they will come back for more and sing recommendations from the rooftops. Great Sights Fiji and their ilk would do well to adopt it.

Heathrow airport is every traveller’s favourite whipping boy. Many gripe about the facilities, the overcrowding and the practically guaranteed take-off delays, but the major problem with Heathrow for all but the lucky few is getting there.

Poor connections

Forget the lost baggage and the debate over whether to get another runway – the real national disgrace is how poorly connected 99% of the country is to what is supposedly an international transport hub. Hubs need spokes. Heathrow is severely lacking in them.

Distance versus time

I hate having to fly from Heathrow. It’s quicker for me to get to any number of airports – including some which are further away, such as Gatwick. And, absurdly, Exeter. This is because no-one has ever bothered to hook Heathrow up to the national public transport network properly.

Piccadilly Line or Heathrow Express?

Coming by rail, you essentially have two options – trundle along the Piccadilly Line for well over an hour or pay an extortionate fee to use the Heathrow Express. The latter, of course, only leaves from Paddington, and is entirely useless to anyone whose connecting train doesn’t arrive at Paddington station (ie. The entire north of England, Scotland and most of the South too).

Out on a limb

Quite why nothing has ever been done about this, I can’t understand. An airport the size of Heathrow shouldn’t be stuck out on a limb, tacked on to the transport network – it should be an integral part of the transport network.

Airports on major lines

The best airports, for me, are the ones where the railway station is on a major line on the way from somewhere to somewhere else. Copenhagen airport is a great example. The trains going to it are going down the Danish coast, through Copenhagen, across the Oresund to Malmo and up through western Sweden.

Hassle-free Copenhagen airport

Copenhagen is hassle-free to get to whether you’re coming from Helsingor, Copenhagen, Malmo or Gothenburg. And if you’re not on that line, you can connect to it at any point along it – not just a solitary station in a big city that doesn’t have all that many connections itself.

Cologne airport transport connections

It happens in Germany too – Cologne airport’s station is on a line that connects big cities (certainly Cologne and Bonn – I can’t remember where else off hand).

Manchester airport: Britain’s best connected?

It even happens to a certain extent in the UK. I’d argue that Manchester airport is the best connected. It’s at the end of a line and all trains to it go through Manchester, but it is possible to get a direct train to the airport from all over the north of England. And for those without direct services, you can change in Sheffield, Liverpool, Leeds, York – even Cleethorpes – depending on which is most convenient.

Connect Heathrow to the main railway lines

This is what should have happened with Heathrow. It should have been built on to the end of the main lines. Trains from Sheffield shouldn’t terminate at St Pancras, trains from Manchester shouldn’t terminate at Euston and trains from Edinburgh shouldn’t terminate at Kings Cross. Track should sweep through from the London mainline stations out to the west of the city and through an adequate station at Heathrow. And if it can swing round to join the major lines to Bristol, Cardiff or the South Coast, then even better.

Expense

This should, of course, have happened when Heathrow was originally opened. To make things work now would be unfathomably expensive once the track reroutings and compulsory purchase orders are taken into account. But if we’re going to spend unfathomable amounts on high speed rail anyway, then surely we should be making sure everything connects up properly.

Forward thinking

Having only the Piccadilly Line and the Heathrow Express is hugely embarrassing. Getting to Heathrow is an utter nuisance for just about everybody and politicians should be clambering over themselves to offer solutions to this problem. As it stands, it takes almost as long for me to get from St Pancras to Heathrow as it does for me to get from Sheffield to St Pancras. This is clearly an absurd state of affairs. A bit of forward thinking amongst out transport planners would not go amiss.

I don’t know about you, but if I see a flight advertised for a certain price, I want to be able to book a flight for that price. And the sooner the travel industry gets to grips with this the better.

Flight availability

One of my major bugbears when trying to book a flight is the inability of travel companies and airlines to tell me when their dirt cheap advertised flight is actually available. Phone up an agency or airline to enquire about a sale fare you’ve seen advertised and you can pretty much guarantee what the first question will be.

It is this: “When do you want to travel?”

To which my answer is: “I want to travel when the flight costs what you’ve advertised it costs.”

Circular conversation

This can go on in a circular conversation for hours. Monkey boy on the phone has been trained to think in terms of set dates, he has to put the dates in before he can get a price and – lo and behold – that price always ends up being more expensive than the advertised price.

London to Sydney for £499

I had a classic example of this earlier today. I was checking out a sale fare I’ve seen advertised on Worldwideflights.com for my Australia flight information site (Australiaflightbargains.com). London to Sydney fares were advertised for £499. I wanted to know when this fare was available for and which airline it was with.

Cheapest deal

After going through the traditional “which dates?” rigmarole with PhoneGimp, we ended up trying a few. Eventually, the cheapest deal he could find was for £559. This still isn’t bad, but it’s not what’s being advertised.

Increased taxes

I pushed him on this, and he admitted that taxes have recently gone up, and thus the £499 deal isn’t available any more. That’s disgraceful – it’s leading customers in with false advertising.

False advertising

I struggle to think of another industry where this would be allowed. Guys, if your systems can’t cope with the concept of flexibility, then get new systems. Until you’ve done that, don’t advertise things that your staff cannot sell. And if the products you are advertising ON YOUR OWN WEBSITE are not available, then take those prices down as soon as they cease to become available. It’s not fair on the customer and does you no favours as a company.