Hostel etiquette | Sex, kitchens, showers, noise & packing

The hostel experience is something that most travellers will experience at some time in their lives. It’s almost a rite of passage; suffering the trials and tribulations of the dorm rooms, lack of sleep and infuriating co-occupants. But you can make sure you’re not the one that everybody hates by following the unwritten rules of hostel etiquette.

Couples: You belong in double rooms

There is an extremely good reason why hostels have reasonably priced double rooms. They are for lovebirds travelling together. Dorm rooms should only be inhabited by said couples if they are on the brink of splitting up and all passion and amour has long been extinguished.

What absolutely no-one wants to see is a couple paying for one dorm bed between them, and both snuggling into it every night, accompanied by shrieks, grunting, wailing and low moans.

Aside from the nightly courtship soundtrack, sneaking that extra person in means reduced storage space on the floor and even longer shower queues. It’s bad form – pay up and shut up, or get a double.

Share the floor

The average hostel room has very little storage space; hence most dorm-dwellers have to use the floordrobe. It’s OK to leave your bag and the odd item of clothing lying on the floor – everyone has to do it. The problem comes with those who appear to think they are a mighty empire-builder, claiming as much territory as they possibly can.

Leaving all your worldly possessions sprawled across the room as if it belongs solely to you will not go down well.

Early risers: Get out!

One inevitably of hostels is that every dorm room you’ll enter contains someone who has to get up obscenely early the next day. It may be an early start for a tour, or to catch a train, or simply because that person has some kind of personality abnormality that makes them think that rising at 5am is a good thing to do.

If you are that person, the key rule is to get out as soon as possible. Pack your bags as much as possible the night before, and then take everything else into the corridor as quickly as possible.

Once in the corridor, you can fumble around with your plastic bags with the lights on to your heart’s content. Try doing that in the room for half an hour, and expect some nasty, nasty glares.

Drunks: That doorway is where the party stops

Nobody has a problem with people going out and having a good time. What they do have a problem with is people who bring that good time back with them. At 3am.

Bursting into a dorm at that time, tanked up to the point of oblivion, thwacking the lights on and continuing to have a really loud conversation doesn’t make you the party king.

Similarly, attempting to vigorously rouse everyone by shaking them and screaming “wake up you boring bastards” in their ear doesn’t mean you’re the High Priest of Fun. It makes you an utter arsewit.

Don’t snooze

You know who you are; the people who set an alarm, then continually hit snooze so that it rings every ten minutes. It’s fine in your own bed at home, but when you’re sharing a room with others, it marks you out as devilspawn.

Snorers: Hostels are not for the likes of you

You know how naturists aren’t welcome in coroner’s courts? Or how the clinically obese aren’t allowed to go skydiving? Well, it’s kind of the same thing. Yes, it’s discriminatory, but no-one wants you wrecking an already limited night’s sleep with your train impressions.

Go easy on the showers

Other people want to make themselves look vaguely presentable too – and queues for hostel showers can be horrendous. Get in and do what you have to do as quickly as possible – the rest of your beauty and grooming regimes can be performed elsewhere.

Respect the sticky labels

The fridge and shelves in the kitchen are not the backpacker equivalent of a tramp’s soup kitchen. It’s not a free-for-all on the food – other people have paid for it, and are liable to be a bit annoyed if you waltz in, nick what you like and rustle up a free meal. In fact, they have a full legal right to punch you in the face if they catch you doing this.

Remember that you’re not on Masterchef

Hostel kitchens are generally a bit limited space and facilities wise, and the biggest hate figure in said kitchens is the wannabe Gordon Ramsay. You know the sort; they really like cooking, and are happy to spend hours doing it – using every available pan, utensil and pot in the process. And while they hog the oven and hobs performing their masterpiece, a whole hostel-full of other backpackers is going really hungry.

In hostel kitchens, keep it simple – or risk having your head rammed into s boiling saucepan.

This article was originally written for Ninemsn.

Copyright David Whitley