Forget getting up at 5am with the Germans to put a towel down on the sun-loungers – there are better ways to get yourself a prime spot by the pool. Such as…
Get the guitar out
It may be a nuisance to pack in the first place, but everybody loves that hippy who goes on holiday just to subject people to amateur Jack Johnson impressions, don’t they? If all the sun beds are taken, just unleash the guitar and crack on with a few out-of-tune versions of Snow Patrol songs. Your fellow holidaymakers will soon realise that they’d prefer to be lying on the beach.
High impact bombing
The secret to this is identifying the spot where the sun beds are closest to the pool. That’s where you need to go in – and the bigger the splash, the better your chances. Tuck those knees up, keep as close to the edge of the pool as possible and prepare to displace water.
Furry friends
Before you leave, invest in some lifelike plastic animals, such as spiders, snakes, scorpions and cockroaches. Then, when people are in the pool, slip one under their towels and listen out for the shrieks when they return.
Shameless PDAs
For this one, you need a willing (and amorous) cohort. Simply position yourselves in a prominent spot, so that as many people as possible can get a good view, and then start slobbering all over each other. Gyrations and audible groaning are good options if the sunbathers don’t quite get the message.
Stage a fight
If you prefer to make war, not love, you and your cohort can start a mock fight with each other. Begin with a few insults, move on to pushing and shoving, and finish with a full-scale wrestling bout on the tiles. The more foul-mouthed the exchange, the more effective.
Instigate a fight
On holiday alone and no-one to start a fight with? Never mind – just get two of the people with reserved sun beds to start on each other. The unsubtle method is to walk over to one and say that the chap on the other side of the pool has been eyeing up his wife. A more cunning way of doing it is to bribe the barman to come over with a drink for that wife, loudly announcing that it’s a gift from the most lecherous-looking gentleman around.
Find the ‘pool closed’ sign
Every resort has to close its pool every now and again – usually for cleaning. And when it is closed, there’s a sign which staff put by it to announce the fact. If you can find that sign and pop next to the pool the night before, then there will be a lot of disappointed faces in the early morning sun lounger rush. Again, a little staff bribery may be useful to both find the sign and ensure it stays there.
Play football
It doesn’t matter if you’re hopeless at football. In fact, in this situation, a lack of skill is a bonus. All you need to do is have a kickabout at the pool’s edge. When the ball starts ‘accidentally’ firing into someone’s newspaper or knocking a drink out of a fellow holiday maker’s hand, people will want to get away from you.
Make the children cry
It doesn’t matter how (although an errant football is an excellent method), but a crying child is one that will eventually have to be taken to the room. It also annoys those wanting peace and quiet, and if the kid bawls for long enough, other sunbathers will move away. Knock an ice cream over, puncture the lilo, start a water-splashing fight right next door… whatever does the trick.
Invest in a cocktail
Again, a companion is useful here. Buy a cocktail each from the bar, then wander around the pool bragging loudly. “I can’t believe they’ve got free cocktails on for the next hour! Awesome!” Keep bigging up the free cocktails until there’s a sudden rush from pool to bar. Et voila, unoccupied sun beds.
Lie down on the concrete
OK, so there aren’t any beds left, but that doesn’t stop you lying down on the concrete, does it? And the closer you can lie to someone else’s bed, the better. Think of it as being a bit like getting a seat in a bar – the best way to clear space is to stand uncomfortably close to someone who is sat down. They’ll move just to get away from you.
This article was originally written for AOL UK.
Copyright David Whitley
