The greatest birthday presents or secret Santa gifts you can possibly buy, all handily gathered in one place.
Are you forever searching for that perfect romantic gift for a loved one? Eager to find a Christmas present that will thrill every member of the family? Or perhaps in need of an office Secret Santa stocking filler that will put you on the fast track to promotion?
Never fear – I have been searching around in the bowels of the Amazon store to find the ideal gift for every occasion. And here are the very best…
The Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote teddy bear
The quality, the craftsmanship, the beauty – it really captures the essence of Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote. When you hold it at night, you can just imagine the saggy curves of Angela Lansbury caressing you to sleep. Ideal for Valentines Day as a thoughtful alternative to costly petrol station flowers.
The Martin Clunes canvas clock
If your living room feels drab, and needs the life-giving visage of Doc Martin star Martin Clunes to perk it up, then you’re in luck. But Martin Clunes is practical as well as decorative – and his bulging face has been turned into a wonderful clock. The perfect gift for a well-meaning but not overly talented son who has got slightly better than expected GCSE results.
Protect your precious iPad without having to endorse bad language or unnecessarily blue comedy. Squeaky family comedian Joe Pasquale is the perfect guardian for your MP3s, videos and pornography. Would suit a loved one who has just been released from prison and is asking increasingly paranoid questions about whether you’ve been having an affair.
The jigsaw of Manchester United finance director Nick Humby
Sports-lovers everywhere will relish the chance to pit themselves against this challenging puzzle. Complete concentration and more than a little perseverance will be required to put this jigsaw together. But the rewards for doing so are immense – who wouldn’t want a lifelike version of Manchester United finance director Nick Humby in their own home? Ideal for a grandmother you’ve just put into a squalid nursing home, despite her heart-breaking pleas to stay in the house she’s lived in since she was a child.
The eight-pack of Jamie Theakston postcards
Have you ever been to Jamie Theakston’s house on holiday? No? A shame – you’re really missing out. It’s genuinely wonderful. You can convince others that you have by sending them one of these lovely postcards. And you know who would love to receive one? An ex-boyfriend that you’ve not spoken to for five years, but who you secretly stalk on Facebook to see if he’s got fat and is having sex with someone less attractive than yourself.
The Nigel Mansell action figure
The only drawback – and there is literally only one – of this strikingly dashing Nigel Mansell action figure is that you can’t see whether he is sporting his famous moustache under his helmet. Still, the sheer elation of his pose more than makes up for this. The sort of present that would be cherished by a family whose rabbit you promised to look after while they were on holiday, but you forgot to feed it for three days and it died.
The David Miliband toilet seat cover
If you’re a big fan of David Miliband, but you’re not quite sure how close you want him to your bottom, this is the ideal way to test the waters. Though it is most definitely a David Miliband toilet seat cover, the photo looks a lot like the much less dangerous Ed Miliband. So you can defecate safely, perhaps imagining that it looks a bit more like David Miliband if you’re feeling particularly adventurous. This, obviously, is an excellent pressie for anyone who has encountered unexpected complications after being admitted to hospital for a routine operation.
The Nicholas Lyndhurst face mask
We’ve all wondered what it’s like to be Nicholas Lyndhurst for a day, and now you’ve got the chance to find out. This mask is an exact replica of Nicholas Lyndhurst’s face – unfortunately Nicholas Lyndhurst won’t allow you to use his actual face as he needs it for increasingly minor acting roles. The mask can be used for both bank robberies and spicing up a tepid sex life on Thursday nights. A great gift for a recent mugging victim.
The Compo from Last Of The Summer Wine shopping bag
Do your bit for the environment and keep the spirit of bathtub-centric comedy alive by doing your shopping with this charming bag. It’s the latest designer must-have. Just the ticket for a boss who regularly steps over the line between office high jinks and sexual harassment.
Show your appreciation for the almost imperceptible talents of John Barrowman by having his face greet your bottom every time you sit down to watch The One Show. Guests will appreciate the opportunity to smear their buttocks all over the Glaswegian-American’s relentlessly unsubtle features. A superb birthday present for a child who comes back from school every day in tears after being relentlessly bullied.
Disclosure: The links are linked to my Amazon account. When you buy all of these things, I will become opulently rich through the commission.
Popular searches
